Some background information first...
Justin my adorable, sexy and curly haired Master Chef makes incredible gnocchi, which for those of you out there without your own Master Chef at home, is essentially a delicate and tasty Italian potato/pasta morsel which takes a ridiculous amount of time to make and requires you to sift par-boiled then roasted potato through a sieve - why would anyone in their right mind want to do this? Anyway..
And my mother happens to feed off drama like a bottom dwelling sucker fish, and has had a particularly shady time in the past with aggressive and violent men.
So my Mum rings me up (which is a daily occurrence and would be more if I answer the phone every time it rings) and asks me the same usual questions in no particular order...
So how are you?
So what are you up to?
So what do you know?
How's the farm?
How are the animals?
How's Justin?How's work going?
Are you safe? Tell me the truth. You're not in any trouble are you?
Now this last question has been presented to me in every way possible; sobbed, whispered, yelled, and even written. It will be spoken in just a slightly higher octave, and usually it comes straight out of left field and follows a string of non-alarming and mundane questions as if to trick me into answering this interrogation with the answer she seems so desperate to hear. Of course no matter how the question is asked the answer is always going to be 'No' because I am not and have never been physically or sexually abused - which is good. But Mum just doesn't want to, or can not allow herself to believe this because she has had so much abuse in her life, including the abuse she inflicts on herself.
So the phone rings...Justin answers it...it's Mum...Justin doesn't say another word, he just slumps the phone tiredly in my direction with eyes rolling exaggeratedly at me as if this is code for "it's your Mum, again!" - thanks honey - I'll take it from here...
I get the usual onslaught of boring and useless questioning to which I occasionally humour her with answers. Don't forget I might have already spoken to her today and have already answered these questions with 'Fine' 'Nothing' 'Not much' 'It's going good' 'They're all good' 'He's good too' 'Works work'.
This time I also get asked another common question "What are you having for dinner?"
I tell her the truth...Justin's making his infamous Gnocchi.
"Gnocchi?" she questions.
"Yes Gnocchi. It's kind of like a potato gem.
"Ga-nocchi?"
"No Mum - Gnocchi. I told you this already". "It's really nice but it takes ages to cook, Justin has to sift par-boiled and then roasted potato through a sieve to get the soft texture".
"Oh OK"
Some silence and then the conversation is cut short which was a pleasant surprise.
I went back to supervising Justin's cooking talents in the kitchen while taste-testing my second glass of red wine.
The phone rings...I answer it...because we already know who it is.
"He's not Knocking you around is he?"
"MUM why would you think that, what is wrong with you?"
"Well, I was just thinking that when you said the word 'Gnocchi' you might have been trying to get a message across to me about Justin knocking you about. Darling you know I just need to know that you are safe and OK. I miss you".
"So you are saying that you thought I was trying to say to you that Justin is Gnocchi-ing me about?"
*laughs* "Yeah it sounds a bit ridiculous doesn't it"
"Yes. That's because it is ridiculous". "Mum, Justin doesn't Gnocchi me about OK" - "now please leave us to our dinner".
"OK I love you".
"I love you too - now please".
So Justin and I have a head shaking moment, a bit of a laugh at the insanity of it all, and then we take photos of the gnocchi and Justin raising his fist to it and the sizzling pan. We have to see the funny side to it otherwise you would just go insane yourself.
No Gnocchi was harmed.
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