29 September, 2010

sHouLd 3o-sOmeThiNgs sTiLL CliMb tReeS?

The short answer is: No.

In fact, forget the age limit; I do not recommend anyone over the weight limit of 20kg to be climbing trees.
But to prove my point I climbed this tree anyway.
I am 77kg.  

Reason: I was weeding my rhubarb garden and took a break only to focus in on this long forgotten tree-house.
The previous builder/owners being a "Sarah & Muzza" from what I can gather from the evidence.
Curiosity finally overtakes my rational thinking and I go to take a closer look.

Risks: I'm 30-something (I'm even a member so it's legit),
I weigh more than 20kg,
I'm definitely no longer flexible,
and I happened to be wearing gumboots.

Hazards: I am home alone,
my nearest neighbours are 2 klms away - no one would be able to hear me scream if I fall.
I haven't climbed a tree since I was 20kg (approx age 5 and a half) here is my proof...  

*This is me age 5 and a half climbing a tree, approx 20kg which would be an average and healthy weight for my age and height at the time.

Outcome: I decide to ignore the voice in my head telling me I am being a stupid idiot and that this was going to turn out badly with me lying in a heap at the bottom of the trunk.
I get to the first branch and find I'm not sure which way Sarah & Muzza intended me to go...I spend 5 minutes deciding on a possible route upwards.
I get to the second branch and look down, I don't remember being afraid of heights but there you go...my stomach is turning a little - I ignore this feeling as well.
Third branch and I am standing on a strategically built platform made out of what was probably once very sturdy planks of wood, now they are rotting and the nails have all but come loose and fallen out - however I am just happy that I am on the intended path to hut so I overlook the shabbiness.
Forth and Fifth branches have me bailed up for what seems like a long time - they are much thinner than the bottom branches which were more like trunks, these ones are more like twigs; I don't trust they are going to hold my 77kg and I plot my next move very carefully, during this time I decide it might be a better idea to remove my gumboots and technicolour socks; by now I am pooling all my past tree climbing experience to the forefront in an attempt to try to out smart this wooden fortress.
I twist and I turn and I contort myself around several more branches that threaten to give way but don't...
...and then I am standing like a Giant in this small 2 sided fort painted sky blue with nothing except a box and some rope to suggest that it had once been inhibited by midget people weighing approximately 20kg. 

Goal achieved: Yes

Desired satisfaction: Strangely, No. I was disappointed. I had obviously expected  a pot of gold or at least a place to rest my weary 77kg's.

Post-Outcome: I looked back down from whence I had come and I suddenly realised I was actually quite a way up, I estimate about 1 and a half stories - as I had a direct eye view of our roof to my right. Not really that high, but still inappropriately unusual for my height, weight and age.
I'm not too proud to admit I felt a little panic stricken.
Now the voice in my head was laughing hysterically and saying "Good work Equoto now what are you gunna do?"
Well it wasn't looking pretty for about 20 minutes while I um'd and ar'd over my choices.
I could wait to be rescued by my partner in about 5 hours time who would never let me live the embarrassment down,
Or I  could leap to my death putting myself out of my misery and possibly be included in the next installment of the Darwin Awards,
Or I could suck it up and plunge myself back down the way I came, hopefully without breaking my neck.

Long story short...I did get down (obviously), but it took me so long and I almost slipped several times that I concluded that I should never attempt to climb a tree again, with the only exception; that I am intoxicated and full of dutch courage and much more likely to fall limply to the ground causing minimal damage. 



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