sOmEThiNg oTHer tHAn BAbiEs

Guilty! - like I just used the last slice of bread to make a fascinator for the cat!  

I always vowed that I would not be like 'others' who had just had a baby and suddenly either disappeared off the face of the earth, or persistently talked only about their baby to the point where I wished they would. 

I now of course have had to eat my words, along with "My baby will not be needing a pacifier/bottle/formula" and "I will be able to let my baby cry it out" and "I won't be co-sleeping with my baby just because she won't go to sleep in her crib".

I have become like every new mother out there, obsessed and devoted; my Facebook page a shrine to my 'delicious' baby. 

I blame the sleeplessness.

... Party until 6 am, then get up at 7am, work for 18 hours with a tiny human being attached to your breast and then repeat over the next 144 hrs and you'll be getting close to the lack of sleep you are going to experience in the first week of a new baby. I'm guessing that over the next 2-36 months you will learn to let go of sleep all together. I have. 

So just short of becoming a crazed insomniac, you'll also find yourself being a paranoid git, worrying that your baby may be unwell, unhappy, under-developed, distressed, too hot, too cold or starving, and your natural instincts over-ride any rational conversation regarding anything but your baby. Parenthood creates 'baby blinkers' to make sure that you are never invited to a social gathering ever again.

So I'm going to have a day of 'baby silence' in remembrance to the life I used to have. Lest I forget.

And it turns out that you can't put them back in and/or take them back to the fertility clinic; not that I've given any thought to that or anything *Wink!

loNg tiME No bLOg

This is the face of a new mother.

Note that the blood has not yet returned to the face since the shock of the birth.

There is the faint hint of triumph in the eyes having finally managed to get baby down to sleep, yet fear and trepidation should baby awake before her time, and yet no notion of it in the emotionless and humourless expression.

A fresh and old vomit stain is not evident in this portrait but does surely exist somewhere on the torso, and likely down the front.

The hair is unruly and slept on for 3 days, never having seen a brush in this entire time.

Facial features have aged dramatically in just 4 and a half months and show no signs of slowing down anytime soon.

Articles of clothing are reduced to comfort only and their usage extended over as many days as they manage to avoid excess of vomit, drool or faeces, as laundry is reserved exclusively for babies clothing and bibs now.

Bags under both eyes are suggestive of at least 3 night time feeds still, the last of which was likely resulting in a co-sleeping compromise; a white flag so to speak.

There is feeding paraphernalia to the right of the screen, evidence of the monotony of this new mothers existence. A used bib suggests that a 'feeding' has just taken place.

It is uncertain from this picture as to the degree of baby apparel that is lying in vast quantities at the foot of the new mother, but the rigid and unmoving stature suggests that it may not be advantageous to move around more than is absolutely necessary.

Every waking hour (and there is at least 23 of them in a 24 hour period) is a tripping hazard and danger trap waiting to happen.

The urge to urinate has come and gone three times prior to 9am, relief only coming once the baby is in a solid state of REM sleep, and post the first 2 evident sleep cycle patterns.

Constipation is a form of survival as there simply is not the time to nourish or hydrate therefore diminishing the need to defecate. A consequence or reaction to this fact is the 'rigid' or 'pole-stuck-up-arse' appearance upon the strained face of the new mother, often confused by the male mate as arrogance or restrained aggression.

Social acceptance is now null and void, until such time as the new mother proves herself to peers and opinionated strangers in the street.

Confidence is replaced with awkwardness.

Happiness is an emotion that the woman can now only experience whilst she is asleep for the one hour that was previously mentioned.

To conclude today's theory lesson, it is interesting to note that this extreme self esteem destroying ritual continues to rapidly spread like a virus throughout the female population, some even choosing to be mechanically projected into this way of life through artificial insemination.

There is no cure. 

Symptoms may be treated with alcohol on occasion and certainly not while breastfeeding...(clink)

If symptoms persist...

Welcome to Motherhood!