bLaCk hOLe

http://www.terrafirmapitlids.com/new/images/out-of_dark_pit_480w.jpg - In case there is some copyright monster lurking about

I am mentally sitting at the bottom of the darkest chasm I have ever created in my mind's eye. It's quiet, almost peaceful, but very lonely. I am down here by choice. You can talk to me, you won't notice anything on the outside unless you are one of three people who know me too well. I continue to function as I would be expected to. That way I am safe from questioning.
But even safer still I am cradling myself in this empty void of self pity. I feel hatred, sadness, and shame in their purest forms. I am grieving for no other reason than to feel sorry for myself. I won't allow myself to cry yet; for I know when I do I won't be able to stop for days. I am not ready to go there yet.
You can call it depression if you like, but I know it's not as simple as that. I am too intelligent for such an easy label. I am complex and evolving. I am in control but wish to let go at the same time.
I have achieved so much in my life and yet I can not achieve something so seemingly natural. When will it end? When will I be able to join and be happy for our friends? I have never hated the word 'congratulations' so much as I do now. I refuse to say that word anymore.