16 June, 2018

tHE SHit TheY sAY




Cleaning.

Me: Please clean up your room so I can vacuum.

Oldest: Mum? Can you help me?

Me: Yes, but I don't want to end up doing it all on my own.

Oldest: Okay

* I clean up the room on my own *

Oldest: Mum! The vacuum's too loud. Can you turn the telly up!

Shoot me.



Driving.

Middle child: There's a rainbow out my window!

Oldest: *Blood curdling scream* ....MUM! There's no rainbow out MY window!

Me: There are no rainbows out anyone's window. He's just teasing you. Look there's a pretend rainbow out our side now.

Oldest: *More screaming* ....WHERE?! MUM, I can't see it!!!

Middle: But there IS a rainbow out my window! *Evil grin*

Shoot me. 



Grocery shopping.

Oldest: We don't say fuck do we mum?

Me: No we don't.

Oldest: * In a practiced-daycare-mat-time-chorus-voice* .....Nooooo. We-don't-say-fuckkk.

Me: NO WE DON'T! So please stop saying it.

Oldest: *Turns to middle child* ...We don't say fuck do we Tristan?

Middle: Noooo.

Oldest: Noooo. * Looks at me* Because we don't say fuck Mum.

Shoot me.



At Home.

*14 hrs of non-stop whining, crying, fighting, bickering and screaming.

Me: SHHUUUTTTT UUPPPPP!!!! All of you SHUT THE FUCK UP! 

Oldest: Mum, you need to wind down. 

Shoot me.



On The Loo.

Middle: Are you doing a poo mum?

Me: Yes I am! Can you give me some privacy please.

Middle: *Stands there staring at me*

Me: Get out of the bathroom please!

Middle: *Still staring and now breathing in deeply* ...MUM! Your poo stinks! 

Me: Of course it stinks. It's poo. Now get out!!

Middle: Do you need some paper? *Grabs a miniscule chunk off the roll and hands it to me*

Please just shoot me!



After Lunch

Oldest: Mum? I'm not hungry are I?

Me: No.

Oldest: What?

Me: What?

Oldest: Mum, don't say what, say Pardon!

I'm dead.





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