Cleaning.
Me: Please clean up your room so I can vacuum.
Oldest: Mum? Can you help me?
Me: Yes, but I don't want to end up doing it all on my own.
Oldest: Okay
* I clean up the room on my own *
Oldest: Mum! The vacuum's too loud. Can you turn the telly up!
Shoot me.
Driving.
Middle child: There's a rainbow out my window!
Oldest: *Blood curdling scream* ....MUM! There's no rainbow out MY window!
Me: There are no rainbows out anyone's window. He's just teasing you. Look there's a pretend rainbow out our side now.
Oldest: *More screaming* ....WHERE?! MUM, I can't see it!!!
Middle: But there IS a rainbow out my window! *Evil grin*
Shoot me.
Grocery shopping.
Oldest: We don't say fuck do we mum?
Me: No we don't.
Oldest: * In a practiced-daycare-mat-time-chorus-voice* .....Nooooo. We-don't-say-fuckkk.
Me: NO WE DON'T! So please stop saying it.
Oldest: *Turns to middle child* ...We don't say fuck do we Tristan?
Middle: Noooo.
Oldest: Noooo. * Looks at me* Because we don't say fuck Mum.
Shoot me.
At Home.
*14 hrs of non-stop whining, crying, fighting, bickering and screaming.
Me: SHHUUUTTTT UUPPPPP!!!! All of you SHUT THE FUCK UP!
Oldest: Mum, you need to wind down.
Shoot me.
On The Loo.
Middle: Are you doing a poo mum?
Me: Yes I am! Can you give me some privacy please.
Middle: *Stands there staring at me*
Me: Get out of the bathroom please!
Middle: *Still staring and now breathing in deeply* ...MUM! Your poo stinks!
Me: Of course it stinks. It's poo. Now get out!!
Middle: Do you need some paper? *Grabs a miniscule chunk off the roll and hands it to me*
Please just shoot me!
After Lunch
Oldest: Mum? I'm not hungry are I?
Me: No.
Oldest: What?
Me: What?
Oldest: Mum, don't say what, say Pardon!
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