They look so cute and innocent but they don't want you to relax at a café.
Nope not going to happen.
1. You choose a nice quiet table away from other patrons.
2. You quickly place your order feeling more confident now that you are here. Just coffee to begin with. You don't want to get ahead of yourself.
3. You return to the table and the baby - he's eye balling you, but he's quiet and "Adorably cute!" according to every one who peers nosily into the stroller.
4. Your coffee arrives and all is well. You look into the stroller and baby is happily amusing himself with a toy dangling from the rim of the visor.
5. You go for broke and grab a menu. You skipped breakfast just getting the other two kids out the door with packed lunches for day-care on time, so you are starving.
6. As you order your 'All-Day-Breakfast' meal the baby shrieks out to you with glee. It's loud but happy. You look around, no one seems to have noticed much and an elderly couple next to you grin knowingly.
7. Baby wants out! NOw!
8. You take baby out of the pram restraints and place him on your knee and bounce while waving your keys nervously in front of you. The keys are thrown a dozen times.
9. Then a fork.
10. Then your mobile device which you are still paying off in monthly instalments. You carelessly decide to remove the mobile device before it gets broken. WRONG MOVE!
11. Wailing! Like a siren. It's loud. It could be louder though. You give back the mobile. You don't really love that mobile as much as your sanity anyway.
12. The meal hasn't arrived because it's only been 1 minute since you ordered it. You look to the kitchen desperately.
13. The elderly couple next to you leave, giving you a little grin and nod on their way past, while saying too cheerfully that "You'll miss them at this age soon enough", followed by "They grow up way too fast". Your only allies just left the building, even if they are irritatingly predictable.
14. Baby wants down! NOw!
15. Baby squirms and wriggles right off your lap with a snake-like manoeuvre while whining. You let him down with your mobile.
16. Baby crawls straight to the large adjacent table and gets stuck under the chairs and legs. Starts crying. You get up and rescue him and apologise to the women in business suits for interrupting their meeting.
17. With baby back wriggling on your lap you smell the stench of Satan in your nostrils. How? Why?
18. You locate the one toilet in the building and discover that the café owners must hate families because not only is there no change table here, but also no room to swing a cat. You will have to change baby in the stroller.
19. Your meal has arrived. Baby grabs out at the plate and nearly successfully pulls it over. You are impressed by your own reflexes.
20. The smell. Baby is squirming uncomfortably and getting more fussy. You need to change the nappy.
21. You take a breath and dump the baby back into the stroller and without looking around you stealthily change that putrid diaper faster than light speed. Triple tied off in a perfumed blue poop bag. Baby is impressed and goes back to happily playing with the dangle toy.
22. You remember you have sanitizer in your handbag and as you wash your hands you look around more confidently but there is a few people now looking your way in disgust. Fuck them.
23. You tuck into your "big breakfast" and as the first mouthful goes down you spy from the corner of your eye your mobile device come hurtling out of the stroller and crack on the concrete floor. Fuck it.
24. A few more mouthfuls and a sip of coffee and you notice junior is projectile vomiting all over himself. For fucks sake!
25. You throw a bib in the general direction of your child's face and start muttering expletives under your breath.
26. You clean up the baby and use the sanitizer again, less confident this time. You don't make eye contact with anyone.
27. You finish with one more bite-full just to feel like the money wasn't completely wasted which it was. And you flee the scene like a crazed women with anxiety issues - which you are, now!
1. You choose a nice quiet table away from other patrons.
2. You quickly place your order feeling more confident now that you are here. Just coffee to begin with. You don't want to get ahead of yourself.
3. You return to the table and the baby - he's eye balling you, but he's quiet and "Adorably cute!" according to every one who peers nosily into the stroller.
4. Your coffee arrives and all is well. You look into the stroller and baby is happily amusing himself with a toy dangling from the rim of the visor.
5. You go for broke and grab a menu. You skipped breakfast just getting the other two kids out the door with packed lunches for day-care on time, so you are starving.
6. As you order your 'All-Day-Breakfast' meal the baby shrieks out to you with glee. It's loud but happy. You look around, no one seems to have noticed much and an elderly couple next to you grin knowingly.
7. Baby wants out! NOw!
8. You take baby out of the pram restraints and place him on your knee and bounce while waving your keys nervously in front of you. The keys are thrown a dozen times.
9. Then a fork.
10. Then your mobile device which you are still paying off in monthly instalments. You carelessly decide to remove the mobile device before it gets broken. WRONG MOVE!
11. Wailing! Like a siren. It's loud. It could be louder though. You give back the mobile. You don't really love that mobile as much as your sanity anyway.
12. The meal hasn't arrived because it's only been 1 minute since you ordered it. You look to the kitchen desperately.
13. The elderly couple next to you leave, giving you a little grin and nod on their way past, while saying too cheerfully that "You'll miss them at this age soon enough", followed by "They grow up way too fast". Your only allies just left the building, even if they are irritatingly predictable.
14. Baby wants down! NOw!
15. Baby squirms and wriggles right off your lap with a snake-like manoeuvre while whining. You let him down with your mobile.
16. Baby crawls straight to the large adjacent table and gets stuck under the chairs and legs. Starts crying. You get up and rescue him and apologise to the women in business suits for interrupting their meeting.
17. With baby back wriggling on your lap you smell the stench of Satan in your nostrils. How? Why?
18. You locate the one toilet in the building and discover that the café owners must hate families because not only is there no change table here, but also no room to swing a cat. You will have to change baby in the stroller.
19. Your meal has arrived. Baby grabs out at the plate and nearly successfully pulls it over. You are impressed by your own reflexes.
20. The smell. Baby is squirming uncomfortably and getting more fussy. You need to change the nappy.
21. You take a breath and dump the baby back into the stroller and without looking around you stealthily change that putrid diaper faster than light speed. Triple tied off in a perfumed blue poop bag. Baby is impressed and goes back to happily playing with the dangle toy.
22. You remember you have sanitizer in your handbag and as you wash your hands you look around more confidently but there is a few people now looking your way in disgust. Fuck them.
23. You tuck into your "big breakfast" and as the first mouthful goes down you spy from the corner of your eye your mobile device come hurtling out of the stroller and crack on the concrete floor. Fuck it.
24. A few more mouthfuls and a sip of coffee and you notice junior is projectile vomiting all over himself. For fucks sake!
25. You throw a bib in the general direction of your child's face and start muttering expletives under your breath.
26. You clean up the baby and use the sanitizer again, less confident this time. You don't make eye contact with anyone.
27. You finish with one more bite-full just to feel like the money wasn't completely wasted which it was. And you flee the scene like a crazed women with anxiety issues - which you are, now!
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